Today would have been my due date for our last baby “born to Heaven.” For the last few weeks I’ve been contemplating what an adventure these first 6 months in Botswana would have been if we had been expecting, and preparing for, the arrival of this little one. (The guests we have with us this week would have had to schedule for another time.) But instead of holding, or preparing to hold, our child, we’re celebrating his/her life in Heaven.
Our first baby would have been 2 1/2 right now, or the second would have been 2, or… You get the picture. Images of what might have been have played though my mind. But in spite of the pain of loss, images of what is plays even stronger. You see, all 6 of our children are enjoying Heaven. All 6 of them see our Saviour’s face. Not one of them will ever know the ache of loss, pain or bad health, the agony of betrayal, or the sadness of separation.
More glorious than that, they are enjoying Heaven and Jesus in the purest, most blessed way possible…without regret. No sorrow over sin or wrong decisions. No shame over having grieved God in this life. They get to enjoy the beauties of Jesus and Heaven in the purest innocence. No mother could ask for more than that for her children.
Yes, my arms are still empty. My heart still hurts. I still miss them every day, and more so on due dates and birthdays. Pregnancy announcements, birth announcements, and all the other milestones I see others celebrate still cause joy for them, mingled with sorrow for our loss. Yet in the midst of sadness, there is peace when I keep my mind stayed on Jesus. I will never hold them, or see them grow up here, but I will go to them one day. And for now I can rejoice in remembering that Jesus gave them a great blessing when He gave them Heaven without the sorrow that comes from living on this fallen earth. And my mama’s heart is content. Sad, but content. Because my God doeth all things well.